i’m all about the lumineers as of late. they give me incredibly strong urges to square dance.
and in searching for square dancing dresses on pinterest i stumbled across these which are basically an anne of green gables wet dream. omg how i wish they weren’t japanese. i mean i’m big in japan, like mutant godzilla big. sigh. so i have to figure out how to sew one of these completely fabulous dresses myself. i am IN LOVE. can’t be too hard right? i mean, they made shiz like this all the time back in the day with no sewing machine. yeah. okay.
“Grand Central, You and Me
Friday evening I was racing through the Main Concourse and you were there standing still, staring up at the stars. You had a book in your hand. You were lovely. Time stood still for a second while I fell in love, then I had to catch my train. Then I thought, Damn. Then I thought of a Plan. So here’s my ridiculously romantic plan: Meet me under the stars on Valentine’s Day. 8pm. Bring your book.”
stuff like this is why i continuously do stupid stuff over and over again. it’s all insanity really. like einstein said.
i don’t want to write any more about this right now. just. sigh.
okay. so. in like, april 2009 my driver’s license was revoked. not for dui or manslaughter or anything terrible, simply because they determined i was a dreaded hto (habitual traffic offender) because i got pulled over 3 times in a 5 year period driving unknowingly on a suspended license. the last 2 times were completely my bad. it was the end of 2008 and i couldn’t afford car insurance. i had a whole huge ordeal going on and it was more important for me to pay for logan’s child care, food, housing, gasoline, etc. the first time should have been wiped from my record because it never should have happened, it was due to complications from a car accident when i was 18 and my insurance company decided to screw me over. but i digress. i live in the state of florida where they don’t give a shit. they just want to rape you in the ass in order for you to drive. and… i could go on and on and on along that vein. but basically because i’m somewhat of a good girl i like to follow the rules and avoid going to jail for existing as a poor single mom at all costs. anyways, my point. i’ve been doing research today because my revocation will expire in like 11 months now and i want to know what i have to do to get a legit license again. at this point, what’s the point in paying out the ass for the advanced driver improvement course and all the extra fees for a hardship license… when i can get a real one in a year? but in doing my research… omg why didn’t i hire a lawyer years ago? it could have all been overturned. i mean obviously, money has always been a problem. i have been through hell and back in the past 5 years. but i’m just thinking… i don’t even know where i would be right now if i had been able to drive these past few years. no idea at all. not driving has held me back so much. and it’s just… oof. so much to think about. which i shouldn’t even be doing. because i can’t go back. only forward. and just. woah. you know? idk. i spend a lot of time lately crying over what could have been in many situations. and it’s stupid. i know. but sometimes there’s just potential in places and i’m so broken that i cut it off before it can grow at all because i’m scared of the negative and i kick myself when i realize what i’ve done and yet there’s no going back. and… i want to go back. but why? why try? i mean, it’s for the best. nothing works. nothing lasts. and i’m just so stuck here. so fucking stuck. and on the edge of being able to change it and i’m so anxious to get there and yet i still have so much work to do here and i’m going fucking crazy. what am i even writing now? who the hell am i? is this the diet pills? or am i seriously insane? i haven’t even taken any since yesterday morning so i should be fine. i think i’ m just crazy. and lonely. i’m blogging because i don’t have anyone to talk to. and i wish i did. omg i wish i had someone to talk to about everything in my head. someone to hug me when i’m crying and tell me it’s all going to be okay. because this whole schpeal right here is just an itty bitty part of everything. god i really wish i had someone. but i don’t. i have a stupid blog. and endless responsibilities. and am i making myself a martyr right now? i don’t even know. all i know is i can’t seem to stop beating myself up anymore and thinking i’m never good enough and it’s killing me. someone please tell me how to stop being my own worst enemy? please. please. please. omg i need jesus.
idk why it’s taken me so damn long to pay attention to the lumineers. i blame my excessively fried brain. i’m just constantly in this fog anymore. maybe i should start taking my stress vitamins again. but anyways. lumineers. omg LOVE.
okay, big plans for this weekend. hopefully i can get them accomplished.
i should start posting things besides music videos in my blog. i have so much swirling around in my head. i really wish i could get some time to myself to just figure it out. sigh. we’ll see what happens.